Choronzon

CHORONZON: INTO THE VAST

HERE WE GO, BUDDY

- fragment six –

With immense speed I rush through sights I’d never imagined in my deepest dreams. This spacescape of violent colours, sparkling fireworks, lush shapes and magnificent formations. A mist of mists. The Roma Nebula.

I sit in my seat, which I ripped off its station socket a long time ago and placed right in front of the huge tinted glass, and look out into the different hues and shapes. I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting there. One hour, eight hours. It doesn’t matter anyway out here. Spread out on the floor around me are plenty of empty wrappings, cans, half eaten nutrition bars, bowls with vitamin cereals, snacks and water bottles. Since I’m alone, there’s more than enough food for this last of journeys. I guess I’m content here I sit, drifting towards the black wall. I never figured out what kept me going, and lately I haven’t bothered trying.

The first months after the killing I drowned in self-deterioration; blaming Evelyn, myself, questioning everything, looking for answers I never found. I reckon they wouldn’t have satisfied me, anyway. Filthy, sick and tired I wandered the Choronzon like a ghost, seeing things belonging to dreams. Weak and scared I would spend days never leaving my bunk, the lights on. Sometimes I woke someplace else on the ship and, with the feeling someone was behind me, hurried back to my quarters. Suddenly one day, or night - is there any difference? - I was at the control panel in the Pit for no apparent reason, and discovered that the ship had been picking up great speed the last couple of days. I didn’t think the gravitational forces of the singularity would pick at the vessel this early, and scanning the sector revealed a huge sun not far off, also heading for the black wall. The star’s gravity probably pulled at the ship, since I could find no other plausible explanation. Later I named the star Sol, to remind me of home. Finding some kind of answer for once, pulled me out of my zombie-like ways, and as I peered out through the huge glass in the Pit, and saw this great sun, with the same destination as myself and Choronzon I smiled for the first time since Mira left my quarters that day, and I cried, not trying to stop the tears. In all my self-deterioration I was never really awake, and hadn’t noticed this star, so close I now could see its surface textures, so close it lit the Pit through the tinted glass and panels with a warm green glow. Only then did I realise that I was on the outskirts of the nebula, and all around me there were colours from another world.

I yawn, rubbing my newly shaven jaw, not really feeling tired at all. My buddy Sol is dying. Half of its mass has already passed the event horizon, the rim on the visible side blazing fierce. All around us the nebula, its suns, gasses and particles crash into the immense wall, stretching further than I can imagine. I am the only one to see this, I realise, somewhat saddened, yet pleased by the thought. If my calculations are correct I have about two hours till impact. I get up and start cleaning the floor. I place the food back in the kitchen, dispose of the litter and head for the cargo hold to do some workout.

Four months have passed since my minor epiphany, where I suddenly started taking care of the Choronzon and myself, leaping out of the slow decay of everything around me and in me. Right after the killing I had placed and bagged every body next to the Pytheacon crew. During my months of carelessness every Sleeper had died, except the young woman. Of the sixteen bodies in the cargo hold, only one chest was moving in slow rhythm. Somehow she had some life left in her. She looked skeletal and inhuman as I began feeding her again, but after some weeks she had rejuvenated nicely, though still her torpid state persisted. The first week after she had regained her weight and vitality I tried numerous things to wake her, wanting someone to talk to, to share the amazing sights with, but nothing had worked. I even carried her up to the Pit, so that we could watch all the activity outside together. After some days and tedious one-way conversations I felt stupid, and took her back to the cargo hold. I gave up trying to wake her, making myself realise that I was on my own now. At least I had my buddy Sol close by.

A couple of months passed, or maybe three, and I kept the vessel clean, worked out, read everything I could find in the databases, tried every recipe in the kitchen terminal, snapped photos of the spectacular nebula and Sol, fed the sleeping woman and made modifications wherever I could on the ship. Sometime during these days I disposed of all the other crew members, both mine and the Pytheacon’s. I had placed them in the air lock exit and released them, one by one. Giving them up to space. I had hesitated with both Mira and Evelyn, but eventually they drifted out among the others. The young woman, still alive and breathing, I carried out into the air lock last. I sat there for almost an hour, caressing her face, speaking words I’ve forgotten now. Whatever meaning they carried, they really didn’t matter. Nothing did. I wasn’t crying as I pulled the release lever, seeing her body rise behind the panel, freeze and drift slowly away from the Choronzon. Her eyes were still halfway open as space took her life. I had taken two lives, but like me, they were already dead in a sense. I stood there for a while, watching all of them. People I’ve known well and people who were complete strangers, floating away into a backdrop of a thousand colours.

I sit down in my seat, placing a bottle of water next to me. My hair is still wet from the shower I had, and I smell fresh with cologne. I correct my uniform and tighten my shoelaces, while glancing at the Mv9 pistol lying next to me on the steel-grated floor, wanting to check it again. I resist, knowing it is loaded.

“Just in case. Just in case,” I whisper, breathing out with excitement.

I’ve shut down almost every system on the ship, except the air and gravity controls, the panel tint controls and the lighting. The Pit is silent, except for a few instruments beeping vaguely. I peer out, trying to perceive where the wall actually is. Where I will be swallowed by the event horizon. It’s hard to tell. Should be some minutes left, I guess, taking a sip of the water bottle. I sit there for a long time, looking around, gazing out in every direction. The nebula and all its colours, all around, are soothing. I wonder if it will be an instantaneous death, or slow and wretched. With our speed I reckon it’ll be fast. I remember the worm and the excitement back then. I had never imagined the journey to end like this.

“Should have stayed behind,” I smile.

My star seems to be struggling against the powers of the singularity, sucking at the massive orb. Burning gas tongues lash out, and if the Choronzon had been any closer my friend had probably been my doom. I take another sip from the bottle, feeling restless. Taking deep breaths I try to calm myself. All these forces, so beyond me, are thrilling, and I feel sweat coming.

I’m about to get up and walk around to release some tension when suddenly I notice something odd. A shape is drifting into view in front of Sol, black as space itself. I freeze, leaned back, just staring at it. The shape seems to turn slowly. I mumble something as I get up and slowly approach the huge glass. With its bird-like shape I’m certain it’s another vessel. I touch the cool glass, mouth open, staring perplexed. I rub my eyes, not trusting them. They haven’t deceived me.

“Here…” I wave slowly, not sure what to do.

A rapid flash of lights, like a pattern, and the shape is gone. I peer out intently, searching. Nothing. I lean my head on the glass, the cool surface easing the feeling of helplessness now growing. What for a brief moment felt like hope, now feels like the end. I look out at my sun, its glow warming my face.

“Here we go, buddy…”

The Choronzon starts shivering, more and more violently. It is time and I smile bitterly. We sure found frontiers. My head aches with countless questions before there’s a fierce jolt hitting my body and everything snaps blank.

And thus the journey of the Choronzon ends. For now.